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A History of Blood – Vol. 1, Chapter 10

Closing this volume by reviewing all my recent breakups and what I’ve learned from my relationships.

I’m trying to finish a memoir, currently titled “The Portrait of Sarah Rachel Feinman”. It’s a fairly long book, currently at 53,000 words (before edits) and it’s intentionally all over the place. The book starts with a short story written by my friend Johan Garcia, before transitioning to the main story.

The main story is a series of journal entries from Jan 2015 and August 2025. It tells the story of the eponymous artwork, intersected with the lives of three women: Sarah, Johan (or “Jo”), and Jaime.

All three women are dead. Sarah was the only one which I had a romantic relationships, with the story going as follows:

Sarah and I meet in the spring of 2015, shortly after I finished college, while I was still living in York, Pennsylvania. At the time, I was working a part time job and living on my own.

I met Jo a few months later, in the summer of 2015. By this point, I had built a reputation that Jo described in the opening of the book. Long story short, I made a lot of mistakes.

Sarah and I have a falling out over the topic of abortion. I paint her portrait a portrait for her 18th birthday, however, I don’t actually give it to her. The portrait is burglarized, and shortly after that, Sarah dies.

Sarah died in early 2020, after which I went to visit Jo. I needed someone who specifically knew Sarah to comfort me. I briefly explored the idea of a relationship with Jo, but we decide to go our separate ways. Jo dies early 2021. Exactly a year after that, I joined the military.

I serve in the Marines from March 2022 to August 2023. During that time I go to rehabilitation for substance abuse, I start going to therapy, and I start attending support groups. I continued to attend support groups after my separation, but I no longer qualified for mental health services. Overall, I struggled to readapt to civilian life.

I complete my first year of sobriety during my transition from active duty to civilian life but I struggled to build meaningful relationships. I briefly dated an older woman, but our relationship collapses amidst my family struggles.

In April 2024 my family forces me to live alone and about a month later I start drinking again.

In November 2024 I get my Insurance License and in January 2025 I met Jaime. I don’t actually talk to her until April 2025, around the time she obtains her own Insurance License. This allows me to keep the conversations mostly professional, despite our extremely close relationship.

We do well at work, but outside of work we are drinking ourselves to death.

Jaime dies in August 2025. Unlike Sarah and Jo where they were far removed from my life by the time they died, I was right there for Jaime. I actually saw her dead body. It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.

On September 10, 2025 I have what I tell myself will be my last drink and my last cigar, and then travel to my hometown of New York City.

September 11, 2001 was a traumatic enough day, since it was a direct attack on my hometown, where 3,000 people died, about a mile from the place I was born, and about 3 miles from my childhood home. It was December of that year I moved from New York to Baltimore, not fully understanding the move until I became an adult.

I visit the place I was born, my childhood home, and my mother. After that I resolve to live sober.

Currently I am at 339 days.

In January 2026, I decided to move to Tampa, FL — to get away from recent events and spend more time with my biological family. I transfer my Insurance License and get a job at a marketing firm, where I meet my Habibti.

She’s the first woman I genuinely fell in love in a very long time.

Our relationship was very refreshing, but it fell apart for the same reasons that my relationship with the older woman falls apart: my struggles with my family lead to unstable housing, on top of my already fragile mental health.

I’ve gone the furthest with her than I have with any other woman, so she definitely has a special place in my heart.

Our actual engagement lasted from May 28, 2026 until July 15, 2026 — so about 47 days.

Our romantic relationship, as a whole, formally began in May 8th and ended on August 9th, so a total of 3 months.

The book is a series of notes, letters, poems, and my own personal reflections from that time.

I officially started my bookkeeping business on August 3rd, with my Habibti right there with me. Even if we are no longer together, she’s still my motivation. She genuinely tried to keep me in her life, but I needed a bit more space to take care of my mental health. She specifically asked me to tell everyone we broke up so here we are.

While she was certainly the subject of “Vol. 1”, my bookkeeping business will be the subject of Vol. 2– I’ll also talk a bit about menswear and dating since they seem to be relevant subjects. When I get the chance I’ll clean up Vol. 1, and the same way all the previous versions of my story will exist through the book I’m writing, hopefully, there’s enough content to write a book about her. She will always be my Habibti.